By Jonathan Holeman
One day, Little Red Riding Hood was skipping along down a forest path. She had already dealt with that devious wolf and was feeling quite well.
A break in the path appeared. It was one she never noticed before and she decided to investigate, much like her curious friend Goldilocks was accustomed to do. As she wandered along, she heard a voice, and quietly made her way to a clearing. A tall and boring rock tower stood amongst the trees like a pillar of creation lost and separated from its home.
“Come on, Rapunzel, I haven’t got all day!” a beautiful young woman yelled up at the tower’s only window. Riding Hood (or Red for short) watched as a thick and golden braided rope fell from the window. The beautiful brunette grasped the rope and began to climb. When she was halfway up the tower wall, Red ran out on an impulse and climbed up the rope after her into the tower’s window. It wasn’t until she pulled herself over the ledge that the others noticed her.
“Who are you?!” the beautiful woman asked, but Red was too astonished to answer. There before her stood two shockingly beautiful women. The rope Red had climbed turned out to be the tall, blue eyed, blond haired girl’s lustrous, shiny hair.
“Come on, what’s your name?”
…And so Red told of her wonderful adventure with the big bad wolf and the woodsman. She found out the blond with the amazing hair was Rapunzel, a princess who was locked in a tower by a witch, but was saved by a knight who later disappeared. So she was back at the tower with nowhere else to go. The other girl was Beauty who was asleep under a magic spell and had been awakened by a prince, who also later disappeared. Beauty decided to hire seven dwarves who were ex-miners with a new private investigation firm headed by their wife, Snow White.
The dwarves found that Beauty’s prince was actually a local shepherd who Little Bow Peep had hired to tend her sheep which she lost because he sold them to the big bad wolf. The shepherd then ran off with the money, bought nice clothing and pretended to be a prince. As a prince, he actually helped Snow White, but then got what he wanted from her and moved on. Snow White, in her vengeance, found him after he paraded himself as Beauty’s prince. Much to everyone’s misfortune, Snow White’s plan of poisoning him with rotten apples failed due to Dopey Dwarf’s mistake of speaking about the plot in front of the fake prince. Snow White then married the seven dwarves.
This is where Rapunzel came in. She, being angry at the disappearance of her knight in shining armor, also hired Doc and his resourceful entourage of special investigation dwarves. It was soon discovered that Snow White’s and Beauty’s “Prince” was also Rapunzel’s knight!
This was a lot to take in, but Red had a hunch. “What does he look like?” she asked Rapunzel and Beauty.
“Oh, he has pretty black hair,” Beauty replied.
“And nice broad shoulders!” said Rapunzel.
“Amazing blue eyes,” Beauty continued.
“A cute, firm….” Rapunzel began, but was cut off by Red jumping in the air excitedly.
“I knew it!” she exclaimed.
“What is it?” Beauty and Rapunzel asked in unison.
“It’s him, the woodcutter,” Red exclaimed.
… And from this point on, the story takes a twisted turn of a lot of planning and devious, tricky plotting to catch our villain. The scorned females’ plans, however, were sadly ruined. Red convinced the “woodcutter” to meet her at her grandmother’s house, yet he never showed.
Time drew on and the three women waited in a virtual state of boredom. Eventually Snow White and her seven shortened husbands came by for a visit. The womanly chatter turned to the shepherd, prince, knight, woodcutter, and to end the story, Doc explained that on his way to Grandma’s house, our villain in the guise of the woodcutter found Goldilocks running down the trail. She smashed into him and he had a great fall, and the bears chasing Goldilocks ate him because they hadn’t had dinner. And with the charming shepherd, prince, knight, woodcutter defeated, the enchanted forest became a better place.
Our moral? Everyone’s lives intertwine on some level, and cheating on beautiful women leads to getting eaten by bears.
Copyright © 2013 Jonathan Holeman
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